World Without End

I’m going to have to get a new computer, not sure how much to spend, how much to keep back as savings. Not a nice feeling. I always feel a bit sick when I spend money.
Given the enormous pretentious oblivion of my 20 years with major depression, given the sharpness of my long abandonment to emotional [...]

Sometimes think I seem more bipolar than depressive. It certainly moves in swings. It may be that what I consider well is really more like mania, though I’m looking at the last “up” phase with something approaching amazement from my current position at the bottom of the whole entire universe. I certainly seemed to do a lot of [...]

New filing cabinet.
Originally uploaded by World Without End

:: shuffles in wrapped in blanket ::
Hullo.
I’m not very well.
I’ve got depression. Oh you remember me mentioning that do you, well bully for you, I suppose you want a big shiny medal or so-
Sorry. Sorry. Right. Yes.
I can hardly move. I can’t think. I just want to sleep [...]

Dear Wibsite
Please excuse Ross for not blogging yesterday as he had concluded that all existence was ultimately futile, and went to bed in a huff. He has now had a coffee.
Yours faithfully
Ross’s Super-ego

I’m trying to resist lunging towards mania. That’s not going to help. I need balance, I need peace and clarity. The only thing I don’t need is routine. I’ve got plenty of that.
I don’t go manic, not nearly. But I do get my hopes up, about silly things. And as I slowly get well, hope [...]

Anything I wrote tonight would be dreadful to read. So to save you wading through that, here’s Nick Drake’s Black Eyed Dog which more or less sums it up in fewer words than I could have managed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5c_Iz4P1-c

I miss everybody.
Later x

Bad day. Dark and heavy. I am dull with guilt, full of bad dreams and broken glass. I feel like a ghost in this house, neither deserving nor appreciating those who love me.
It’ll pass, it has to pass. It’s. Not. Real. I just have to wait. Grit teeth. I’m getting better again. I’m a professional. [...]

I’ve been doing the Internet for a while now. I will confess, there have been times when my online persona has become so glamorous and so detached from anything remotely like my real life that I’ve actually started to become jealous of the smug little twit.
The trouble with blogging daily will be getting real, distanced [...]

THINGS I DO WHEN I’M DEPRESSED THAT DON’T HELP

Dress stupidly, eg. t-shirt in winter
Read the most punishing, impenetrable prose I can find, and hate myself for not concentrating properly
Misinterpret everything: people’s gestures, scripture, roadsigns, everything
Think out long reasoned discussions of why everything is my fault
–CLASSIFIED–
Flirt to generate some emotional warmth
Isolate myself to avoid flirting
Ignore diet [...]

The purpose of this weblog is not to pour out leftover heartsludge. It’s just so people who haven’t seen me for a while can catch up with me without having to Actually Talk To Me. However, this is the first post, and it’ll have to be a bit sludgy, because that’s where I’m at just [...]