I’m trying to resist lunging towards mania. That’s not going to help. I need balance, I need peace and clarity. The only thing I don’t need is routine. I’ve got plenty of that.
I don’t go manic, not nearly. But I do get my hopes up, about silly things. And as I slowly get well, hope is getting to her feet again, and I want to drive her far away from me before she breaks my stupid heart. I’m just getting better, bit by bit. Someone said today they could see I was depressed just by my face. I was actually feeling pretty good, but I could see the comedy in it.
I’m afraid to hope, though, and that ain’t right. Needs fixin’. I just need to find something realistic but not miserably banal to hope for.
I wish I could just relax a bit. I’m so intense all the time. If I’ve got a guardian angel the poor thing must be exhausted. Probably has to keep taking cigarette breaks, I know I would.
God. I could really use a cigarette.
6 Responses
Ian says...
Can sympathise with the feelings of intensity: and the hope.
Sleep well, and God bless.
rain says...
maybe the change to peaceful pink theme has helped a bit?
i’m encouraged about your link…is it too soon (or too late for that matter) to ask you to elaborate when you’re ready?
it’s so funny – truly makes me smile – when acquaintances say stupid things like “you don’t look so good” or “you look exhausted” or “are you having a terrible day?” well, something along those lines…because who in his/her right mind wants to hear that?! and how on earth is it helpful?
i love the quote (from a card) that goes something like:
‘this morning, all the stupid people of the world got together and thought of ways to make your life more difficult.’ (or something like that)
maybe your guardian angel simply takes stretch breaks (or consumes energized tea) to keep herself agile while watching over you?
WorldWithoutEnd says...
Thanks, Ian, and for all your other kindnesses. I did sleep well in the end!
Rain, I’ve been toying with the idea of trying to do a science course with the Open University, just out of interest really, but I’ve no science background and it scares me. I’d start with a small 10-point course but the trouble is I’d probably feel I’d failed unless I got as far as BSc, which is a long way to go! What I need is a balanced approach. It is exhausting swinging from joy to despair all the time. And it makes me feel stupid.
When I was little I dreamed I met my guardian angel. She was essentially Calamity Jane, all excitement, enthusiasm and ingenious naïveté. Maybe I was projecting my anima. Or maybe I literally actually have the actual literal Calamity Jane for a literal actual guardian angel. Either way, when I told my mum she said “Oh, yes, you would have one like that!”
I like your quote
I think it was Arthur Dent who used to worry why everybody kept asking him what he was looking so worried about.
truthsign says...
As John Cleese says in ‘Clockwise’: ‘I can take the despair; it’s the hope I can’t stand’.
Jack the Lass says...
Daring to hope is scary isn’t it?
As an OU tutor (not in science) can I just say I’d love a student like you. Interesting, writes well, taking the subject for the joy of it. That’s what I’m hoping for (my lot submit their essays tomorrow ….).
worldwithoutend says...
truthsign that quote sums up what I was trying to say much better in far fewer words! Great film!
Jack, I’m *very* happy to hear you think “Interesting, writes well”! Now I wish you *were* my tutor! But thank you (curtseys prettily). I think I’ll probably have a bash at this, I see I’ve got a week left to register so enough second-guessing myself. Cheers for the encouragement